Lost Sanity

The Dinner Detective

For tonight’s performance, the Dinner Detective [DD] will be played by my husband.

Me: Hey Xander, dinner is ready, I have an extra large taco salad with your name on it.

Xander: Cool… grab it when I get home…. after practice later… [ Hmmm, I swear that’s where he just came from…]

Xander: That was weight training, we have a team practice at 7:00.

Did I say that out loud? I really need to get a grasp on that!  [Manchild disappears down hallway].

As I sit looking dazed and confused, Dinner Detective takes over.

DD: So Pixie, how was your day?

The Chipettes lack her perkiness

Pixie: Gooood    [Note: She is 43 pounds soaking wet and has the voice of a female chipmunk sucking helium]

DD: What was good ? Anything special ?

Pixie: Welll…….[deep breath] we had a substitute, Mzzz. Brown. She was strict and her dress was fancy and she was pretty. She did just what our teacher did, and told the boys to be quiet. And they were ! And then we had gym and played volleyball and I got hit 3 times and the other team took a point they shouldn’t have so we lost the game. I did all my long division in math and Sara was my reading buddy today and she smelled like cinnamon and then I wrote more of my fairy tale on my blog. Oh! And at recess we pretended Isabella was a pogo stick until Maya wanted to play dragons again so we did until my toes got cold.

I sit again dazed, trying to digest her day, never mind my dinner. My plucky hubby decides to press onward, hoping the momentum will carry through to the next child.

DD: How bout you Diva?

Diva: What?

DD: How was your day?

Diva: Same as usual.

DD: Really ? Today was exactly the same as yesterday?

Diva: [ Iinsert trademark Huff and Eyeroll ]  Uh, I guess !

DD: How about math ? What did you do ? [Got to applaud the man for his tenaciousness !]

Diva: Same ole stuff. [ We still don’t know what that means, haven’t seen a paper in weeks]

DD: What about art or choir?

Diva: You mean, like we sit there and sing or draw stuff .

Pixie: We are learning a new song ! It’s about one litte candle  ……

Diva: Gawd ! No ones talking to YOU !

DD: Diva, we are trying to talk to you but not having much luck here [This is becoming painful !!! ]

Diva: She thinks everything is about HER !

Xander: [Reappears with gear bag over shoulder] Hey Ian called and his car won’t start – can I get a ride?

Oh Thank God ! I don’t remember getting up from the table and running for the door. The next thing I knew I was pulling out of the driveway as the man-child brought up an appropriate Nine Inch Nails tune.

He has my sarcasm gene.

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My Petition to Save The Biebs !

A recent, spectacular Freshly Pressed post has put my brain into overdrive over the ridiculousness of the Biebalypse.

In case you have a life, let me get you caught up: Justin Bieber has not been behaving himself. He has been acting badly and making poor decisions. Why do we care? Not sure, other than years ago parents decided he was cute, bought their daughters a ton of tees and pillow cases with his photo on it and elevated him to “Role Model”.

Now that he is participating in behavior indicative of his age group [throwing eggs, drag racing, experimenting] and not acting the part of the shiny happy boy toy he was marketed to be, every one “wants their money back”.

If I had a Lamborghini and no parental supervision, would I be out racing? In a heartbeat. Isn’t that what they were created to do?

I was shocked to read this morning there is now a petition to deport Justin. Have you seen this ?

“We would like to see the dangerous, reckless, destructive and drug-abusing Justin Bieber deported and his green card revoked. He is not only threatening the safety of our people but he is also a terrible influence on our nation’s youth. We the people would like to remove Justin Bieber from our society.” and 

“We the people of the United States feel that we are being wrongly represented in the world of pop culture,”

I am not a fan either. My point is this – Why him ? Why now?

Stop right there: Do not send me a comment yet. I am NOT condoning his behavior. I am questioning our attitude.

As a nation we not only pardon this type of behavior but an entire industry is based on it. No one ever admits to reading all the trash we see at the check-out lanes in the grocery store, but I guarantee millions of us are. We create the young celebrity monsters to amuse us and then are shocked when we have to clean up the mess. If we are going to ship out Justin, can we at least weed out afew others in the process?

I realize we cannot deport citizens. I am not one of those women who sit around and complain yet have nothing constructive to offer. We are a nation of great influence, I say we convince other countries to take a few of these as Ambassadors:

The Kardashians: Yes, the whole lot of them. The damage being done by The Bieb’s influence is nothing compared to my pre-teen’s new found acceptance of the idea of the “Practice Wedding” and “First Marriage” after Kim’s 72 day marathon commitment. Thanks.

Assignment: North Korea. Kim Jong Whats-his-face can parade them through his throngs of starving faces as a warning against the evils of the western world.

Kesha: Has anyone else out there had to fight with their child over what is appropriate attire based on what this chick wears?

Assignment: Japan. I think she’s popular over there already, and her wardrobe is a step up from the Harajuku Girl trend.

This mess needs to go.

Miley Cirus: Just like Justin – a sweet and cute adolescent. Our girls grew up giggling at Hannah Montana and singing along to all the Disney-esque songs. Her latest song “Wrecking Ball” says so much !

Assignment: Turkey, combating the the human traffic/sex trade industry. Young, desperate girls are lured here from surrounding countries with the promise of work only to have them discover upon arrival they’ve been sold. Put a suit on, Miley!

We are in the presence of talent here.

Amanda Bynes and Lindsey Lohan: I am so tired of these two. I wish them well, I believe they are both in need of real help. I don’t understand what keeps them in the headlines other than their managers still sucking 10% off of them.

Assignment: Spokeswomen against child labor. Ship Amanda to India and Lindsey to Bangladesh and let them see what kids with real problems look like.

It’s a good start – then I’ll sign whatever petition you want !

Why My 11 Year Old Should Be Allowed to Watch More T.V.

I am no stranger to the rebelious streak.

Not mine so much, but I had the privilege to grow up in the shadow of a genius brother who never missed an opportunity to disembowel our parents 8 track player the second they backed out of the driveway for their Friday night movie with the neighbors. As the adults watched the lastest Burt Reynolds film, I was made an unwilling accomplice as Official Time Keeper and Look Out while my [younger!] sibling studied the inner workings of that weeks victim. Nothing was safe; record players, speakers, toasters, plumbing…

Kids, this is the slow Wooly Mammoth of MP3 evolution.

All these years later, I take back most of what I said about sending my brother to evil medical school. That’s a real thing, right ? As fate would have it, he is gainfully employed as an engineer. So I like to think living in fear for those years were not in vain.

Now having children, I realize many have a curious streak. However, I am starting to wonder if I missed that line in the sand between ‘normal behavior‘ and ‘we should install serveillance cameras’.

Our 11 year old started innocently enough, with the lab “How fast will different lip gloss brands melt in the sun”. Once the wax filtered out of the pool, she was forgiven.

Then it was on to “How many ways are there to explode a full can of soda”. Oh, and lets not forget Part II : “Which method will yield  the largest splatter area”. It was discovered dropping a brick exploded the can well enough, but a single nail quickly driven through resulted in the highest spray. We had the last laugh, it is now our excuse for not keeping soda in the house.

Last night took a sinister turn. She was found wandering the halls like a villager warding off vampires, carrying a narrow log she somehow managed to pull from the fireplace, burning bright at one end. She claimed she was merely lighting the candles across the mantle and thought she’d take a moment to light any others around the house.

I’m thinking the “Angry Mob Play Set” for her next birthday?!

Her defense was simple: If we would let her watch TV on school nights, she wouldn’t be forced to come up with her own means of amusement.

This is MY fault?

Should I be concerned?  Should we be sleeping in shifts?

” And I’d like to thank Victoria Beckham….”

Single tear of joy rolls down cheek….and “Scene”.

I realize this is not Victoria. But wouldn’t we rather ogle David?

Today is the one year anniversary of my 30 pound weight loss. The crazy part – the weight dropped off in only 3 months. What force of nature was behind such a feat ? Victoria Beckham. Back in 2007 Barbara Walters landed an interview with the “British power couple”. Victoria was asked “do you ever eat a cookie?” to which she said flat out “No”. It was the topic of much conversation and ridicule amongst co-workers. But not long after, a couple friends decided to follow her example and I admittedly was shocked by their success.

As a member of Procrastinators Anonymous, this did not inspire me. At the time I was OK with my size, sitting somewhere around an 8 and a 10… And it was clear to me that my peeps had collectively lost their @#^% minds!

Check out the interview here; skip to time stamp of about 5:20 to catch the food comments.

The pounds crept their way into my body over the years. I took stock and analyzed the long term results of those around me. You betcha, I used my friends and co-workers as my lab rats. Only three maintained their substantial weight loss. They did not chose one particular “diet” or program, but I found one common thread: the changes they made were permanent, not a “do this til I’m thin” approach. And that permanent change was kicking carbs and sugar to the curb.

Ugh, I felt defeated. This really did not seem like something I could do. Or even wanted to attempt. After all, I am danish and eastern European – we love our baked goods! My grandmother firmly believed icing was a food group. Looking for a ray of hope I began reading and researching and came across two books by Gary Taubes. He managed to compile science and research in a relate-able manner behind the concepts (and titles of his books) “Why We Get Fat” and “Good Calories Bad Calories”.

I decided I had nothing to lose but weight. I offer the two simple “light-bulbs” that came shining through :

***Eating carbs and sugar cause the cravings for carbs and sugar. Stop eating it = stop the cravings and hunger.

***Fat does not make you fat. It’s the carbs and sugar that tell your body to store the fat that makes you fat.

If this were about will power, I would have nothing to write. I honestly have not felt hungry. I have more on my “Basics” page and I will continue to post. I thought the one year maintenance was the perfect jumping point to start sharing what I’ve learned and some of the mistakes – past, present and I’m sure future. My hubby decided to take on this challenge with me after reading that this type of change can also reduce bad cholesterol, blood pressure, and a host of other health issues we face as we age. Truly, what guy is going to say no to what we now refer to as the Bacon Diet ?

I am not promoting any sort of diet plan like Atkins or Paleo as I don’t know all that much about them. I now see sugar for what is really is – Satan. Just like alcohol, it is not part of my daily life. Shortly after the weight loss and feeling smug about my success, I made the mistake to get cute and eat birthday cake at a party. I paid for it. Sugar reacts in my system now in such a way I am left feeling as though I have a hang-over. And not just a hang-over, but a “cheap wine” hang-over. It was awful. However thankful the experience only solidified my resolve to avoid sugar.

I have lots of recipes to share going forward, but just to clear the air so no one thinks this is about suffering or deprivation,  I’ll start by sharing my favorite.

Confessions of a Dunkin addict: A friday morning trip to Dunkin was my reward for a week worth of depositing the little angels and the cello on time to school. Nothing says “You rock – children still alive and well” like a Caramel Mocha Latte. After abit of experimentation, I have made my own concoction that I can have every morning! It goes like this:

Put about 2 cups quality, hot coffee in mixing bowl.

Add a few drops of Torani sugar free caramel syrup ***

A sprinkling of splenda

3 Tbsp of heavy cream.

Then I whip it up with my little hand blender (a great little tool more than worth the $30) & pour into my favorite mug.

Easy & quick enough I can do while still half asleep !

***be wary of “sugar free” and use sparingly.

I now see sugar for what it really is!